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March 31st, 2005

08:38 am - Sweet Misery Ergh, my other journal isn't working right now so I guess I'm back to where I started. So I pretty much had a bit of a breakdown last night. I thought I was ok after seeing him, but I guess I wasn't. He looked so good yesterday, I'm in love with him and he's with this stupid sophomore that looks like a chipmunk. This is just not fair. I have been trying to hard to show him that I am everything he is looking for. And he goes for some little girl. It just isn't fair anymore. I'm so tired of being lonely. How come I seem to be the only one with no one to love? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I have someone? So basically I fell apart last night. I've been trying to get more in touch with my spiritual side lately and it's always so hard. I want to trust God with my life. I want to know I'm in good hands, but every time I give Him everything, he tears my world apart. I'm sorry that church is so unbelievably terrible that I can't stand to go. I'm not sorry for the life I'm living right now. I think I made the right decision...in fact, I know I did. My life is so much better without all that hypocrisy and guilt. When I was there I always felt like there is something wrong with me. But what is wrong is an instistution led by people who don't live what they preach. At least I'm being real, I'm not trying to live this fantasy perfect life. But I'm really not that bad. I still pray, I still read my Bible and other things, and when things become unbearable I turn to Him. But even if I don't do those thins every day, it's no big deal. I'm not a big guilt wracked mess. I know God understands my situation. I've been working so hard to live the life that he is giving me. Why waste my precious time doing something I don't enjoy? Wouldn't God rather see me spending the life he's given me happy than conforming to what some people think I should be doing. Trust me, I'd rather be stuck on drive thru for three hours than sit in church. I'm secure in my decisions and I'm happy. I really am. My life is not that bad. It's just this one thing that I want that I can't have and it hurts sometimes. But God understands that and he listens to me anyways. I'm not doing anything wrong and I don't need to prove what I believe to anyone. I'm secure with myself and what I'm doing. This is just a bump in the road. I can't have everything I want, but it just sucks sometimes. But God understands. We have a very delicate balance with each other. But I should acknowledge Him a little more, it's just hard when everything seems to keep falling apart. But I just need to hold my head high and know that he has something big in store for me. I just need to have a little faith and a little trust. My life is not going to fall apart just because Matt doesn't realize how awesome of a person I am. I trust that God will find me someone who will give me the love and respect I deserve. He can think whatever he wants, just as long as he knows that I'm not going to keep clinging to him like some hopeless excuse for a strong woman. I can't let him control. He's got thirtween days left and by the way things are going now he's not going to make it. But there is still the 14 hours we'll be working together this week. It's all up in the air right now. We just have to have faith and a little luck. It'll all work out in the end. ::hang on good girl, you're not the only one, when people try to bring you down, you'll be glad you stood your ground:: RIP Current Mood: blah Current Music: ZOEgirl- Good Girl

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December 5th, 2004

08:11 pm I'm in a bad mood again. It's not that I've had a terribly bad day, I'm just so fucking tired of life and everyone's shit. I just need some time to relax and get away from everyone but I just can't. Everyone is just leaning on me and it is driving me insane. I can't take much more of this. My parents have been fighting all night and I'm so tired of it. My mom is drunk (as usual) and therefore is making no coherent sense. I'm so tired of living like this I could scream. I hate my parents. I hate them. I'm so tired of this town and the people and the life that I have here. I have nothing here and I don't even know why I bother staying. I just keep telling myself...one more year...one more year. That year won't come soon enough. I just want out of here. I'm done with it, it's over...so why is it not? This town has left me with nothing but pain and heartbreak. I just want out. I've felt like this all day. I just woke up in one of those moods. I had cramps, I was tired, and all around just felt shitty. Then I went to work and didn't say much, just did my job and got out. I barely even talked to Matt. I wasn't in the mood to deal with him today. I'm just tired of dealing with him honestly. I want him so badly but the feelings obviously aren't reciprocating so I might as well just give it up and give in to the inevitability that I will probably end up on my own and all alone because apparently no one is ever going to be "good enough" for me. He just seemed so right for me. But since when do I know what is good for me? Apparently never. Anyways, I've pretty much wasted my entire day moping and pouting. But I deserve it so I don't even care. I don't work again until Thursday thank God. I don't work with matt until Friday, the one and only day we work together actually this week. But I guess we have the Christmas party too so it'll be ok. Saturday is going to be a very long day. I have to take the ACT in the morning and then I am closing that night. Great. Oh well. I should be studying for it, but I guess there isn't much I can really do. Then I have finals next week so that should just be super fun. Then I have two weeks off finally. It should be nice. My parents will be gone for a few days so that should be even better. They are leaving the 18th and I think I should take advantage of that or something. Whatever. I'm almost too drained to function. This problem could be solved so easily, but it's not. It's matt. It's always matt. But how do you go on as if your life is normal when you know that you are letting the love of your life pass you by? I miss talking to him, I miss seeing him, I miss touching him, I miss kissing him. I miss everything. Yesterday I just wanted to jump across the counter and give him a congratulatory kiss and hug, but I can't and it kills me. Kills me. I want to feel pride without shame. I want to feel love without pain. I just want to be in love with him but he is making it so difficult for me. Matthew, I want to love you so much, why won't you just give me a chance? Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Fuel- Die Like This

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09:14 am - Easy like Sunday morning It's Sunday now and my weekend is almost over. But I don't care because that means I just have one more weekend before Christmas break, and only ten days left of school. Tomorrow will be pretty much a total waste of time. I'll spend the first two blocks in a computer lab, third block I'm watching a movie, and fourth I'm doing nothing...as usual. Then I might have to work, might not. I guess I'll see in a little while. I have to work today at 11 which means I need to finish this up and get ready, but I don't want to. I feel like shit on a stick this morning. At least I've mellowed out a bit. Now it's just a matter of making it until two w/o losing my mind. Last night someone must have put retard in my drink or sumthin because I was just totally idiotic. I really pissed these one people off, but I don't care. If the bitch would have told me to begin with the right thing she wanted we wouldn't have gotten into the mess we did. I had to void her order TWICE before I got it right and she was totally throwing a bitch fit by the end. I mean I said I was sorry, I straightened it out and it was done, so what is the big deal? Then she had a little friend with her and she was getting all pissy too, and I was like wtf? I didn't mess yours up because you didn't tell me the wrong thing that you wanted. But whatever, they got their food and they were on their way and the rest of the night was ok. There was this one guy and he was being really complicated and really pissy with me when he told me he only wanted four dinners...but gave me five coupons, whatever. People are stupid and I hate them all. Well most of them. And the one that I don't I'll be seeing in a little over an hour so I must go and get ready, toodleloo *RIP* Current Mood: sick Current Music: B*Witched-I shall be there

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December 4th, 2004

10:29 pm - Another open letter...to you Listen, I know the past few weeks have been filled with those fun awkward moments that can only come from ending a relationship and trying to remain friends. I'm so relieved that it is working out between us and that we can get along. Not like there is any reason that we shouldn't anyways. First let me say that I am so proud of you. I know it is cheesy but it is so true. Most of all I am proud that you know your priorities in life and that you know that sometimes you just can't find the time to put in a relationship. Thank you for realizing that and not continuing to lead me on like we were actually going somewhere. Secondly I am proud of you just for today, after all of your hard work it finally paid off and I could see the pride and joy in your face. Wrestling is something you love and I could never ask you to sacrifice that for me. I know it is important to you and I am so happy for you, I really truly am. This is a strange new feeling and it makes me re-evaluate what exactly I feel about you. I've never truly found pride in someone else, I've never honestly told someone I was happy for them, until tonight. You came in and told me, and I was ecstatic the rest of the night. I don't understand how you have this effect on me and I just have no clue what to do. Everyone is saying that I can do so much better than you, but I don't want to. I honestly believe I've finally found someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. I believe that we could be so happy together, and I have a very good feeling we will be, we just need time and right now just isn't it. I'm willing to be patient and just be friends right now and maybe it will be good for us to get to know each other better. But I feel like I have known you all of my life. It is hard to believe that we had never really had a real conversation until three months ago. Look at how far we've come...from distant acquaintances to two people trying to test the longings of fate. I don't know how much longer I'm going to last babe, I want to love you so much. I've been trying so hard to just forget you, but I can't. You are everywhere I go. And it's not that I can't live without you, it's just that I don't want to. I have so much fun with you. I feel like I can just be me and I don't need to fake anything for you. You make me so comfortable, I just have this completely natural attraction to you that I just don't quite understand, but maybe I don't need to right now. You are one of the nicest, sweetest, funniest guys I've ever met. You blow me away completely because we are so much alike. And even if we never get back together, I will at least have the joy in knowing that for six weeks I was with someone with a soul just like mine. I don't think you know how much alike we are. Maybe being alike doesn't mean being compatible, but we share the same heart. There has to be some significance to that. You can't look at me and say that you don't think that there is a connection between us. It's all over the place and everyone can see. But like we both have said, now is just not the time. If it is meant to be, it will be and that is all I can say. I am so proud of you and I am so glad that we are friends. I just wanted you to know that you really do sweep me off my feet and blow me away with every little thing you do. You make me so happy, and I can ask for nothing more. And if you ever decide that you are ready to begin again, I'll be right here waiting. Thank you matt, for being you, I could ask for nothing more. *RIP* Current Mood: stupid love Current Music: Hanson- Hey

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December 3rd, 2004

10:21 pm - Dishes and Dirty Minds I'm almost too tired to write but again, I need to get some stuff off of my mind first before I am going to be able to get any sort of sleep tonight. Work was one of the better nights I've had, I think. How pathetic is that? It was good because Matt is done being weird I guess. We are getting back to that flirty goofy stage we were at before we got together. There is a lot of tension there, we both want each other, but we just can't right now, and it sucks. I really am over him in the best sense of the word, but I also wouldn't hate getting back together, but I guess it works out the best like this. No broken heart, just a friendship and I guess that is what will have to tide me over until we can be together again. Whatever, he is way too confusing to even begin understanding. He and this other girl were being pretty friendly (in every possible sense of the word) but I'm sure I'm just overreacting. In fact I'm sure I am. So whatever. Tomorrow will suck. I have to work with fag boy and the gnome so that should be super fun *not* at least I get to go shopping and get Christmas shit out of the way so I can get some money back in the bank...seeing as I am 200 dollars short of what should be in there. But it doesn't help that my next two paychecks are gonna suck ass, I need to pay insurance and start saving to pay $335 dollars for dual enrollment in January. Ergh...doesn't it sometimes feel like you can never get ahead?? Good thing I've got another year and a half to save for college. Hopefully by then I will get a raise. Hopefully by then I won't owe everyone money. But I could stand to control my spending habits a bit. It's gonna be great though when my friends get jobs though. One down and one to go. Well, guess that's all I've got for tonight, I better go find something to wear tomorrow to go shopping, toodle loo Sweet dreams of me my love, I'll keep dreaming of you until there is something to dream for Much love, Leslie Current Mood: too fucking tired to care Current Music: I've just begun (having my fun)- Britney Spears

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04:14 pm - It's FRIDAY! Wow, I need to be at work in like a few minutes but I have to get some stuff off of my chest first. Okay, I had a pretty decent, easy friday. I'm still a bit confused, but I guess it doesn't matter. Matt talked to me twice today...twice. Without provocation, I'm impressed. He has to want me back, but there are a lot of things more important to him right now I'm sure. I guess we've got all the time in the world, we'll just see where this goes. More thank likely he won't be going to state, so that cuts down the time by a week. He's got a tourney tomorrow...somewhere. Oh well, we work together on Sunday, so it's all good. I get to see him pretty much every day anyways, so it doesn't even matter. He sees me just enought to miss me...or at least that's what I'm hoping. But he isn't parking by or talking to gnome as far as I know, so that makes me happy because that was my main concern. I did not want him to dumo me for her, but he hasn't thus far and that is a good thing. And if he waits out until Monday it'll be a month and at least he'll be more decent than Heath...boys, they are just too freaking confusing. Oh well, I'm not even going to worry about it because I have enough on my shoulders now anyways. Right now just isn't the right time, so I guess we'll see. Now I must go...and spend the rest of the night w/ him :D woo *freakin* hoo Brunettes DO IT better Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: B*Witched- Jesse Hold on

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December 2nd, 2004

08:24 am - It's starting to look a lot like Christmas... It's thursday...you know what that means, the week is almost over. I had a better day yesterday than on Tuesday. I remembered my headphones this morning and I look super cute...and my socks match, so today shouldn't be too bad. I was being a total nerd last night, I was reading a photoshop book until midnight, it was sad, but oh well. I feel kinda bad...matt got pinned like two and a half minutes in his first match and the whole team pretty much got their asses kicked. Yet it's kinda funny...it's because I wasn't there though I'm sure. I wonder what he is thinking about his decision now. He lost his girl...and the match, not such a good deal in my opinion. Haven't seen him this morning, but I'm pretty sure we work together tonight. Ergh...work...haven't been there for a while...LOL Well I guess I'll keep it short and sweet this morning...toodles Current Mood: cute Current Music: Jingle Bells

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November 30th, 2004

08:05 am - Muddy Tuesday I am so unbelieveably pissed right now. This has been the worst morning ever. I woke up much too early to begin with. Then I had to eat pop-tarts because I was out of cereal. I couldn't decide what to wear and I don't even like what I have on now anyways, it just doesn't feel comfortable. I was running late and my stupid hair straightener is about to drive me insane, it just won't work! I am so broke and I need to buy so many more presents, but I need a lot for me too. Then when I finally got done getting ready I went to make my lunch, but to my surprise, I had nothing to eat...as has been the case since oh I dunno...two weeks ago. I am so fucking pissed. I mean, wtf? Isn't that my mom's job? I mean I seriously have had nothing to eat for lunch for two weeks now. So I was going to go to Wal-Mart tonight after school and spend what little money I have on fucking groceries since no one else seems to want to. So I hop in my little car ready to set off for school and surprise! My car won't move it's stuck in the fucking mud because it has been raining for the past FUCKING WEEK!! I just want to scream!! I am so tired of this weather. But I wouldn't be in this problem if I could just park in the fucking garage like I should have oh I dunno...a month ago! This is just so aggravating. My pants are soaked and they have mud all over them. Then I forgot my headphones for first block. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. This is just a bad morning. Then I saw him...he was wearing shorts...what a retard. I am just so frustrated right now...Tuesday sucks. Yesterday was a very good day. I got a 100% on my biology and my english tests, so that was great. Then I finally got approval for the mission poster, just some minor changes ans it could be going to press by the end of the week. So I guess that is a relief, I'm just tired of being me right now. I guess I should pay attention now...toodle-loo Current Mood: bitchy

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November 28th, 2004

02:34 pm - I'm a closet kink Lalalala...well my weekend is over and on a pretty good note. Nothing out of this world, but not a terrible day either. My relatives left this morning and that made everything at least 82% better...then I went to work. Matt and I both came in at the same time, and he beat me there for once. We were just standing there and he actually initiated conversation, I was pretty shocked. Then when we actually started working, he couldn't keep his eyes off of me. I mean he was staring...the whole time. I think it's the hair...no I'm sure it's the hair. He hasn't said a thing about it, so he's not making fun of it. Maybe he has a thing for kinky brunettes. Maybe he is still in shock...who knows? Oh wait...who cares? I think I've gotten to the "I can go either way" stage. I mean it would be cool if we got back together, but if we don't, I'm not going to fall to pieces or anything. It's only been a week, I'm pretty proud of myself. He's cool and I'm glad we can still be friends, it was almost more fun that way. I'm the one that he let get away, and he regrets it, you can see it in his eyes. But right now just isn't the time for us, and that's cool. Give it three more months and then we'll talk. His first meet is on Tuesday. He really wants me to be there, and I'm not sure. I can't decide if he wants me to be there so he can show off, or just so someone actually *shows up*. But I always liked having someone at my sporting stuff that I liked to motivate me to try a little harder. I have the night off...and it would give me something to do, I'm just not sure if I should. Manda said it would make me look desperate, and I'm sure of that. But I told him I would go, but we were still together at the time. I'm like 18 different kinds of confused right now. Oh well, at least I'm going to look hot this week, can we say new clothes?? And I'm going shopping again on Saturday, yippee! I don't have to work again until Thursday so that will be a nice break. Well I'm gonna get cracking on another logo and be a hop skip and a jump ahead of what tomorrow will bring...toodle-loo one way or another...I'm gonna get ya Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Pink- Trouble

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November 27th, 2004

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November 25th, 2004

06:32 pm - Turkey Day It's Thanksgiving day and I am really not that miserable honestly. I ate at about noon and I've been enjoying my day off completely. This is the fisrt day in a very long time where I haven't had to work or go to school or anything. I worked a little on some graphics this afternoon. I think I'm getting somewhere, I'm hoping to be done by tomorrow. Everyone is leaving so I should have some peace and quiet for at least a few hours. My cousin was bothering me all afternoon so I found it rather difficult to concentrate. I guess it's been a few days since I've last written so I guess I should give some details about what has been going on. It snowed all day yesterday, but it all melted today. It was so pretty, I love Christmas. I especially love not having to spend it alone, but eh, what are ya gonna do? I just can't stop thinking about Matt since yesterday and I don't know why. Maybe because we haven't even been broken up a week. I just feel like he's the one...but I feel like that all the time, so I'm trying not to take myself too seriously anymore. But he is just so everything I want, if only he wanted me too. But seriously, yesterday I was in the dining room and we weren't that busy so I was just cleaning and daydreaming all through my afternoon shift. It was still snowing really hard and I was thinking about how romantic it would be to go play in it together. At the time I was under the impression that he was going to be working up front with me, and we were getting off at the same time. Then we would walk out together...he'd throw snow at me, I'd throw some back, we'd start a huge fight, collapse onto the ground, kiss, and make up. Sounds nice, huh? Then I got on the internet tonight and looked up the dates of all his meets this year. I started copying down the dates for state and I just got this fleeting image of me kissing him good luck...whatever. I think my head needs to shut off for a while I guess. And OMG...I dyed my hair dark dark brown a la Ashlee Simpson or Britney with black hair in the Toxic video, it is so freaking awesome, I'm so proud of it. It makes me feel all naughty and tough. Nice change of pace from the ditzy wimp. He'll see it tomorrow because we work together, of course with gnome, but she's in the dining room being a reject again, so I don't even care. I just have to make sure I'm better than her. But I am, so I shouldn't really worry. With my new hair and new coat and new attitude, he'll be sorry. Then I'll make him sweat. Only 22 more hours. Bring it on. "All I want for Christmas is you" (and Santa, I swear to GOD if I don't get him I'll slit your throat) see what I mean? what an attitude... Current Mood: naughty Current Music: Britney Spears- Outrageous

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November 23rd, 2004

07:26 am Last day before break, and I am very ready to have some time off. But not really, I either have to be at work or in front of the computer wrapping up graphic design jobs so I can start some new ones. I have a three jobs lined up right now, two logos and a brochure but the brochure isn't all my project, so I'm not too worried. I just want to get some of this other stuff done before I do any more. So my goal for this week is to finish the school mission poster. I was up until one this morning working on it, I just lost track of time, I could have sworn it was only ten. I didn't get home until six and I came home and cleaned my room and rearranged it. Then I got to work. I didn't accomplish a ton, but a little. I'm much happier now though because I finally got a copy of photoshop of my own. So I'm set so design my little ass away. I need to start a portfolio...desperately. I also need to start getting stuff squared away for college. I can't wait. I am ready and rearing to get the hell out of here. Matt called on Sunday and we broke up. I'm not all that upset, just a little, but I'll get over it. It's just the holidays, and I don't want to be alone. I want someone to play in the snow with and drink hot chocolate with...and oh god I have to stop before I upset myself. I saw him this morning and he smiled and said hey. He parked by gnome again today. If he ends up with her I just may flip a lid. I don't think I could handle being lied to like that again. He said that he didn't want to be "tied down" and didn't want to just be with "one person" I was just like, whatever. It's not like we ever acted like we were together, and I'll be damned if he was ever "tied down". That is a load of bull and he knows it. But then he goes "and it's not like it's over for good"...great, just leave that hanging over my head. Can't you see that I am crazy about you? This sucks so much. I have tests for the rest of the day, damn it and I don't eat lunch until one. Crap. Oh well, shit happens. I hope he doesn't have that lunch shift, no he has first, good. I just want to go home. Me and one of my friends are gonna hang out after school and watch movies and whatever. I am working all day tomorrow, so that should be super fun *rolls eyes*. But if I just make it through today it'll be a relief. I miss him...but I don't. I just wish we could have made it work. I wish he would have just given me a chance. It just felt so right...but I guess it wasn't. He's just going to end up with her and yet again I'll be played for the fool. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, not like it's happened before. I hate how history repeats himself. But I was looking pretty hot yesterday...praise god for "miniskirt-monday" *laughs devilishly* I know how to play my strengths. I know I got a double take from him at least once. He was walking down a hallway and he was walking down the one at the end of mine and he knew I was up there so he looks up there not expecting me to see him sneaking a peek, but how could he help it? You can't resist me, but you also can't treat me like shit and expect not to pay the consequences. I went in to work on Sunday night and two of my friends were working. One of them told the girl in the dining room that "matt wants to talk to you" I heard it plain as day and I just rolled my eyes...then she comes out five minutes later and goes "so what is up with you and matt?" I just about shit my pants..."he asked you to ask me that, didn't he?" "yeah" she smiled guiltily. How stupid is that? I told her that if he wanted to know he could call and ask me himself. So he did. I was pretty surprised and relieved, but I'm still kinda disappointed. I guess that's just how it goes sometimes. "But life never asks you what you want, It's just gonna have its way, Sometimes it doesn't give like it takes" Current Mood: drained Current Music: Destiny's Child- lose my breath

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November 20th, 2004

08:30 pm - second time...still not a charm I am so frustrated with myself right now. For the second time in two days I have failed to break up with him. I called him rearing to go and as manda says "dump his sorry ass"...and then I back down. It was just so nice to talk to him again that it was just so much more appealing to forget everything. I officially have no backbone, but it just goes to show that my heart is prevailing here. I know he is no good for me, but I just can't let him go. I'm so smitten with him that I just don't want to give up so soon. I can't do it. But if he wants to break up with me so badly, why doesn't he just do it? I don't want to break up, so why should I have to do it? I could definitely suck this for all it's worth. I could drive him insane, but I'm just not that clingy. We are both too much alike, we just want to avoid messy confrontation at any cost. Neither of us is sure if we are still together...and well, I'm just going to try not to worry about it any more tonight. I guess yet again I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Who knows, fate could have something else totally in store for us. All I know is that I need sleep and some closure, but I'll be waiting for one or the other I can tell you that already. Current Mood: yet smitten Current Music: Jessica Simpson- I have loved you

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05:31 pm - I don't wanna let go It's just been one of those days. I woke up this morning and it was all downhill from there. I could barely sleep at all last night, and I was so freaking tired. I didn't get to bed until around midnight and I was up at eight. Then I went to work at 11 and got home at five. I just got done eating, I was ravenous. Now I'm sad...as I have been all day. I know if I want answers and some closure to this I have to call him tonight, but I just don't know if I have the strength. And I am so afraid, I don't want to let him go, but I can't live like this anymore. My friends aren't helping either. They apparently told him a bunch of shit on Wednesday after I left school. None of which came from my mouth, it was what they were all thinking. I'm not saying it wasn't all true, but he can't be pissed at me for something that someone else said. That's not fair, but what part of this ever has been? I am not looking forward to this converstion, but it has to happen sooner or later and I'd rather just get it done with now while we can still stand each other. I have to stop running from things, but it just hurts too much to know that yet again I'm just not good enough for someone. He came in last night I think a little after ten while me and mo were mopping the dining room. He came in and told her about something or other that could have been said pretty much any time, so I would like to assume he came to see me, but probably not. I checked his phone wallpaper, it's not me anymore. I guess I should just take the hint. But I said I wasn't going to let him go without a fight, but this is just a fight I know I'm not going to win, so why even put forth the effort. He doesn't love me and he is never going to. If I could make him I would, but I can't, that's just life. God I just wish this would have been different. Why do all of my relationships fail so miserably? What is it about me that just drives everyone away so mercilessly? It just feels like I'm never going to win...maybe I'm not supposed to. I honestly just don't know what to do right now...well I kinda do, I just want to crawl into a ball, cry for a while and then go to sleep, but I have to wait about another hour to call him. God I miss him already, why wouldn't he even give me a chance? I know, I know, it's just not meant to be you say and I'm sure it's not, but it just felt so right. It was perfect timing, with the perfect guy, who seemed like a perfect match...but obviously wasn't. It happens I guess. Everyone has just been telling me the same thing, you can't chase after love because you'll never find it. And I've been running like a world class sprinter. I talked to another guy at work last night while I was on break (yeah, I got a break!) and he pretty much agreed with everything I told him that I knew matt had been saying. It really wasn't much of a relief knowing that he had told this other girl (who by the way he will probably ask out the moment we "officially" break up)...but it was even worse knowing that pretty much everyone at work and school knew before me. I feel so stupid, yet again the fool to be played in front of everyone else. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I'm talking to manda right now, she say I should dump his sorry ass. I can't say that I'm going to do that exactly, but this really does need to be resolved tonight. Wish me luck... "It hurts like hell but I will be strong" {ILFB} no more Current Mood: drained Current Music: Lisa Loeb- I do

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November 19th, 2004

08:01 am - So much for my happy ending... I'm somehow in a considerably good mood this morning. This surprises me but I'll take whatever I can get. I left him a note in his car last night telling him to call me when he got off work... did he call? no. I was talking to my friends the other night and pretty much every one had heard him saying something about breaking up with me, apparently he just doesn't know how. So I told myself last night that I was going to do it in the morning if he didn't call. So I walk in the morning not really angry, just ready for this to be over...but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe tomorrow, I don't know. But I don't want to get him all off focus because he has his first wrestling meet tonight. I wish I could have been there, and I think he wanted me to be because he asked if I had to work and I feel bad because not only do I have to work, I'm closing. Oh well, I guess we'll get this settled eventually...I hope. I don't want to break up with him, but he doesn't treat me like I deserve and I just don't know what to do. We still just need to talk. Oh yeah, then I come in today and he's practically unable to talk so I'm feeling about two inches tall. So basically I don't know what is going to happen. I'm not mad or angry or even that upset, I just want to know what is going on, and how we are going to fix it. This totally goes beyond not making sense anymore. This is just stupid and immature and I want something to happen. I want to be with him, but not if he doesn't want to be with me. I think I might go write him another letter since he just doesn't seem to be getting the point... Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Hanson- Lost without each other

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November 17th, 2004

09:14 pm I'm writing again...and I don't know why. I think I'm just bored and have nothing else better to do. I should have called him earlier, but I didn't. I should do a lot of things but I'm just choosing not to. At least I've stopped crying, for the moment at least. I'm just hoping that tomorrow will be better because I don't know if I would be able to handle another day like this one. I'm not really tired and I am severely bored. I've been sleeping since I got home and I have done absolutely nothing tonight. I'm in a little bit of a better mood, but I'll just wait and see what tomorrow brings. I just want to know what is going, I wonder what my friends told him after I left...? I'm sick of making excuses for him and I'm tired of him not treating me like we are together. I don't think I'm asking for much. Maybe I should take some initiative, but I just don't have the strength to fight him right now. I really don't have the strength to do anything actually. I don't want to fight. I just want to know where we stand so I don't end up wasting even more time on him. I want to be with him but only if he can see how incredible I really am. I was talking to one of my teachers about it (I know it sounds terrible...but it's not) and he said that if any guy I am with isn't shouting from the rooftops that he is with me and that he doesn't realize how smart, funny, beautiful and talented I am then he is a fool and I can find someone else to give my time to. I'm just so anxious to fall in love. I want to grow up and love someone and get married and start a family. That is all I want is to be loved. I don't want to be alone and I'm afraid that if I let him go I may never get another chance. I'm afraid that I'll never do better than him. I want to be loved, but I'm afraid of it. I guess I'll just have to see what tomorrow has to bring. Goodnight and sweet dreams... "so much for my happy ending" Current Mood: scared Current Music: Avril Lavigne- Forgotten

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06:38 pm - Stupid My life seems to be crashing down at the moment and I don't know what to do. I've just been laying in bed crying since I came home at one thirty...it is now almost seven. I tried eating, but nothing tasted right, I tried sleeping but it wouldn't come. So now I'm writing hoping that I will feel better, but I probably won't. I just don't understand why he is doing this. Why does he make me feel so incredibly wonderful, but then make me feel about as worse as I did when Heath broke up with me. This doesn't make sense, why does this hurt so much? Does he not see that he is killing me inside? What is my problem? Okay great, now my mom is mad at me because I'm upset...that's just great. I'm no even that upset about him. It's just killing me that I couldn't even make this work for a month. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just find someone that treats me right? Why does everyone else get to be in love? Why am I the one who always get hurt, and then I'm not allowed to hurt? It doesn't make any sense. He seemed so right and I was so happy with him, why is he all of a sudden just turning away from me? Why am I never good enough? Why doesn't anyone want me? Why can't I just be happy? Why won't he talk to me, what did I do? I don't understand this at all. It seemed like everything was going to be great...it seemed like life made sense again and now it just doesn't. I am so desperate to fall in love, I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. Until then I guess I'll just cry alone. I can't take this, why does this hurt so much? God, why does he have to go and make everything so god damn complicated? I'm so tired of being hurt and left alone. God, please, someone, help me... Current Mood: and all alone Current Music: Fuel- Die like this

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08:08 am Sometimes I even wonder why I even try. I like him so much and he doesn't even want me. I am so sick of being used like this. It is taking all of my energy right now just trying not to cry. I don't want to hurt anymore, why does this keep happening? I fall for him, and he just gives up. So here is what happened. I walk in this morning and matt is talking to manda's boyfriend. Who is supposed to be talking to matt about why he never acts like I'm his girlfriend. Well me and manda walk in together and steven walks right up to Amanda and starts talking to her, you know, like a real boyfriend. As matt continues to talk to some other girl. We continued up to my locker and steven said he was talking to him and he asked him if we were still going out and he said "I don't know"...how can you not know?? What are we, in fifth grade!! You never even acted like we were together anyways. I just like him so much and now I don't know what to do. Last night the gay guy at work was telling him that I wanted him to take me out on Saturday...but when I came back in because I forgot to give back the key to my register he didn't seem too encouraged by what matt had to say, but he wouldn't tell me. I'm just trying to hard not to lose it right now. I'm going to call my mom and see if I can't get out of school early, because I don't think I can handle this right now, I just can't. I'm going to go to a different class right now, I'll write again tonight. Hope you have a better day than me, goodbye. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Britney Spears- Everytime

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November 15th, 2004

09:27 pm - Just another Monday night I went to work tonight in no great mood, that is for sure. I went to Spanish and he didn't say two words to me. I don't understand him, but I guess I don't have to. Something was up with him, he was all mopey and grouchy all block, but I was still too cute to care. Then I went to work and by then I wasn't really in the best mood. It sucked because I was supposed to be in the dining room and I'm just, uh, really hoping we didn't have any shoppers, because my service tonight really blew. I just wasn't feeling it in there tonight. All the people were pissy and it was just bad. It must be the weather, people are acting so weird lately. I blew him off most of the night, but then I talked to him a little bit. I felt kinda bad for him because he is really hurting from practice, he even threw up and lost four pounds in two hours, talk about dedicated, I know I couldn't do that. So I've gotta give him a break, I know I couldn't juggle all he is right now. I told him he should call me if he changed his mind about going to be at 8:30...which obviously didn't happen, but hey, it was worth a shot. Then he didn't park by me this morning or at work, but then he put his coat on top of mine when there were like five other places he could have put it. So in other words, I don't understand, and maybe I don't want to honestly. We'll just see where the next week takes us I guess. I really want to go see "Saw" on Saturday night, but we'll see what happens. Poor kid, he's so broke too since he only worked one night last week. His hours are sucking big time right now. He's scheduled for 18 (somehow?) but he'll only end up with about 15. I can see the next few weeks as being a little tough. I think maybe after Thanksgiving when we have a break and some time to de-stress things will get better. I guess that is only a week from tomorrow. I need a break that is for sure. I can't believe second quarter is half over either...it's going too fast. I guess that's all I have for tonight, pray that tomorrow goes better than today. "I hate you, I love you, I can't stop thinking of you, I'm stuck on you" Current Mood: yet again...at him Current Music: Goo Goo Dolls- Iris

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08:11 am - Finally Monday I guess this is the day I've been waiting for and I should be a little happier, but I'm not. Yesterday wasn't too bad, I got off about 15 minutes early on both shifts and neither were too bad. I still had 19 hours so I was happy. Matt came in last night about a half an hour before I got off. I was changing sauces right when he came in. I saw his brother and then him, gave him a "look" and then proceeded to the back like I didn't care. He came in the back like three times, but didn't really talk to me which is starting to get annoying. I mean he comes in to see me, and then doesn't even talk to me...whatever. But I guess he did have to go get his schedule also, so whatever. We work together for the next two nights, and we get off at the same time. Then we both have Wednesday and Saturday night off too. So I guess we'll see what happens. One of my friends' boyfriend is supposed to "talk" to him about how he's been acting lately. I'm kinda worried about what he did while he was in Texas...his brother got caught with porn and his sister had guys in her room, so I can only assume he wasn't being a total angel either. Not like he would tell me anyways...*rolls eyes*...oh fuck I just spilled my pop on my skirt...this sucks major ass. Okay that just ruined my entire f-ing day...ergh. That is just super gay. I think I'll just go cry somewhere or something. Well, it's not too bad I guess. Just as long as it doesn't stain, then I'll be super pissed. So much for me ever drinking pop in here again. And I looked so cute today...okay, anyways, back on subject... I don't know what is going to happen between us. I hope that we can talk tonight because I'm tired of waiting. Gone are the days that I just sit around and wait for him to love me. I'm sick of wasting my time on assholes. I'm happy I'm with him, but I'm not happy that he doesn't act like I am. I just want to figure this out, I just want it to be over. I don't want to hurt, god never again do I want to feel like that, I couldn't take that again. Why can't things just be good...why is it so hard for me to be happy? I just want to fall in love and be loved in return. Maybe I'm getting a little too ahead of myself. I'm only sixteen, I'm a junior in high school. I have a job, a car, good grades, and a killer look, but I'm not in love and I want to be so badly. I wake up in the morning hoping that this will be the day I find someone that will love me forever. I'm so tired of being thrown around and ignored, I can't take this anymore. He doesn't deserve me if he treats me like this, but I like him...I think. I am so messed up right now I don't even know what to think. He just drives me crazy...I don't understand why he doesn't like me, what did I do? Everything was great, and then it just stopped, what's the deal? He wants to be with me, he takes a major chance asking me out, he finally gets what he wants, and then he doesn't want it anymore? Why doesn't he act like he did with those other girls? Why am I the only girl that he hasn't stalked? I almost want that compared to how he has been acting lately. I just want him to treat me like I'm his girlfriend. I'm tired of dangling on a thread to just be his go-to girl whenever he feels like it. I can't constantly be at his disposable. I love being with him so much, but it so rarely ever happens. We've gone out three times in five weeks. If you can even call that going out...two football games and the spanish party. I've also gone over to his house twice to watch movies...and he came over once to eat dinner. But this was all like in the same week almost. The past two weeks have just been shit and I don't understand why. The only reason I can think of is the flowers, he totally freaked out about it and I was like omg, I was just trying to be nice. God forbid I act like your girlfriend, since you aren't treating me like one. So you know what buddy, you better make up your fucking mind and start treating me right or you are going to lose me and you're gonna regret it. "why is everything so confusing? maybe I'm just out of my mind" Current Mood: at him Current Music: All Saints- Never Ever

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